When Mordecai hears the dreadful news of Haman’s plans, he immediately starts mourning (Esth 4:1). However, when Esther hears the news of Mordecai’s mourning, her response is strange. Though she doesn’t know why Mordecai is mourning, she attempts to stop him, telling him to cheer up, and sends him a gift of new clothes (Esth 4:4). Her somewhat immature approach to her grieving father seems to be “get over it”.

Are there times when we are insensitive to those who are grieving? Where we effectively tell them to cheer up and get over it? Maybe a Christianised form of this is to tell them to be “full of the joy of the Lord”, which is a fully biblical exhortation but can be delivered in a very shallow way. I by no means consider myself an expert in grief counselling, but here are a few brief reflections on how we can genuinely help those who are mourning.

1. Listen

Possibly the best thing we can do for those who are mourning is to listen with a sympathetic ear. Esther gets round to this in Esth 4:5, where she hears the reason for Mordecai’s sackcloth and ashes.

2. Weep with them

Rom 12:15 calls on us to “mourn with those who mourn”. We are not to remain emotionally detached from one another, but to care deeply. This does not mean that we can never be joyful while another is sad, nor do we let ourselves become crushed by the weight of other people’s sorrow, but we are called to a sincere love that cannot be indifferent to the suffering of others.

3. Pray

In Esth 4:16 we see that Esther joins in the fasting. She recognises the need for God’s intervention. Prayer not only expresses our love for those we pray for, but causes it to grow. It is as we bring our brothers and sisters before God in prayer that we start to see them from his perspective.

4. Help practically

In this case, Esther was in a position where she was actually able to do something practical of use. We are often not able to fix the problem ourselves, but I suspect that in most cases there is at least something we can do of practical benefit, such as cooking a meal. This is another way we express our love for those who are weeping.

5. Encourage

We have already noted the shallowness of simply telling someone to cheer up, but that does not mean we should not seek to comfort them or raise their spirits. In particular, we need to remind one another of the future hope we have in Christ. Paul advises that we encourage those mourning the loss of a loved one in this way (see 1 Thess 4:13,17-18).

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Cor 1:3-4 (NIV)