Well, I’ve just got back from the second meeting on how to run a cell group. Clearly Heinz is doing something right as we had two extra people (although it remains to be seen whether that growth rate is sustainable).

Jane Bramley got the meeting going asking us what our hopes and dreams were. It was a very revealing time with Wendy Ditto admitting to wanting to own a racehorse, and Rebekah Champion expressed her wish to become a car designer while Daryl travelled the world. Steve wanted to get into the Guiness Book of Records by holding 100 consecutive cell group meetings.

Graham Bramley made creative use of background noises to help us enter into our time of worship. Trains, cockerels, children crying and whale mating noises emanated from different parts of the room leaving us with a sense of eager expectancy for what might be coming next.

Later it was time do discuss how well we were getting on with our witness. Steve, marched round his friend’s house seven times and was about to blow his trumpet when he realised he had forgotten his handbag. Better luck next week. Neil’s friend is now travelling in disguise on the bus. Graham’s friend has taken two months holiday. Simon didn’t manage to hug a friend, but Wendy’s “give a pint of blood a day” technique looks promising even if it didn’t get off to a good start.

So what were we doing wrong? Steve Heinz explained that the key activities are “Sewing, Reading & Knitting”. We weren’t to worry if we didn’t immediately get on to knitting. It takes time to improve at sewing.

Maressah closed the meeting by explaining her technique of imprecatory gingerbread man eating. Rather than getting angry with someone you don’t like, imagine you are eating them slowly. She didn’t disclose who exactly she had in mind, but she did eat quite a few.